


Zoro: Love Guru

by Ki_Ken_Tai_Ichi



Category: One Piece
Genre: Advice, And neither does Sanji, Comedy, Gen, I don't know what I'm doing, Or is treating a woman like a worthy opponent progressive, Questionable views towards women
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22093951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ki_Ken_Tai_Ichi/pseuds/Ki_Ken_Tai_Ichi
Summary: Sanji, as per usual, is having a bit of trouble with the ladies while in port. Zoro, who happens to be there to witness his poor luck, offers some advice that may actually be worth something. Post-Time skip but with no spoilers. Rated T for some suggestive stuff at the end.
Relationships: Roronoa Zoro & Vinsmoke Sanji
Comments: 11
Kudos: 64





	Zoro: Love Guru

**Author's Note:**

> Warning, I guess. References to sex with an unnamed character but no actual details (hence why it's Gen and not slash).
> 
> Also, look at me, figuring out paragraph indentations :D

* * *

“This is just pathetic cook. What is this, the fourth time?”

“Third time, Marimo.” Sanji replied as he slid back into the booth after only being away for seven minutes. His sullen, venom-less voice caused Zoro to raise a brow, but Sanji didn’t notice as he stared into his half-empty beer mug.

“Look,” Zoro began, lowering his voice so any nearby patrons couldn’t hear. “You’re going about this all wrong. If you’re that dead set on picking up a girl for one night, don’t act like she’s the girl of your dreams.”

Sanji lifted his head and fixed Zoro with a narrow eyed, accusative glare. “Every woman deserves to be treated-”

“Even if that were true, you’re scaring them away. Acting like that makes you seem like that kind of guy who’ll cry after sex.”

“Oi!” Sanji interjected.

Zoro shrugged, letting the warning tone roll off his back. “This island isn’t big. Every local here knows you’re a visitor. So any girl knows you’re just a one night --maybe two night-- fling.”

“Stop making the good ladies here seem so vulgar.” Sanji warned, though his resigned tone suggested that he honestly didn’t expect Zoro to oblige.

“Just trying to help, shit-cook. If you got some, maybe then you won’t be such a pain in the ass.”

“Ha, yeah right. As if you could actually know anything about women.”

“I study fights all the time. Picking up women is exactly the same as sizing up and engaging an opponent; you just use words instead of weapons.” Zoro reasoned.

“You did **not** just equate flirting with gorgeous woman to sword fighting.” Sanji deadpanned.

“All social interaction, at its core, is like fighting. You read the environment, size up your opponent through visual cues. From this, you determine which moves will affect your opponent in what manner.”

Sanji was quiet for a moment, though his expression didn’t indicate that he was absorbing this new information. “This is just a level of stupid.” He muttered, sliding out of the booth. He scanned the bar, focusing on finding the next woman to charm.

“Fine, don’t believe me. Enjoy your chaste evening in port.” Zoro called out before turning back to his own beer.

Fifteen minutes later, Sanji returned to the booth after leaving the polite --if disinterested-- young lady alone with her drink. “Okay…so I’m in the mood for a good laugh. Mind telling me again how picking up women is like fighting?”

“Mhm,” Zoro hummed as if in deep thought. “No thanks. Don’t feel like it.” He kept his attention on his beer, pointedly ignoring the quietly seething Sanji across the table.

Finally, Sanji sighed and forced his mouth to cooperate. “Fine…would you _please_ tell me how you pick up women?”

Zoro smirked and set his mug down. “Well first, you have to assess the woman. Just like your opponent, you have to determine if she’s recessive or dominant.”

“Meaning?”

“A recessive fighter will wait for you to strike before attacking. They like to dodge or make counterattacks. Whereas dominant fighter will attack you the moment they see an opening or make one themselves. Similarly, a recessive woman waits for the man to come to her, and the dominant woman goes to the man. One likes to be chased, the other likes to chase. You can usually figure out which is which by how they sit, where they go to pick up or get picked up, what they drink, what they wear, stuff like that.” Zoro paused his, surprisingly serious, explanation to examine Sanji with a focused gaze. “You should probably go after a dominant.”

“Don’t insult me,” Sanji snapped, feeling Zoro was giving him a backhanded insult by insinuating that he was submissive.

“I’m not.” Zoro replied flatly. “It’s just based off the way you look.”

“That still sounds-”

“Listen for a sec. It’s very important that you lull your opponent into a false sense of security.”

“Opponent? False sense? What exactly do you think I’m doing to these ladies, shitty Marimo?”

“What,” Zoro scoffed. “You plan on just holding her hand all night?”

Sanji grumbled unintelligibly, but otherwise remained silent.

“You want the woman to be relaxed. If she’s on edge, she’s not going to want anything to do with you. And part of reinforcing that security is meeting her expectations. For instance, when a woman sees me, she expects someone gruff, quiet, discourteous, and --with the scar on my eye-- perhaps a bit wild. If I suddenly start talking about the quality of the material her dress is made of and quote poetry, it’ll throw her off and she’ll be on edge all night. And much like an opponent that’s on edge, it’s a lot harder gain the advantage. Same with you. You’re wearing a suit, smoking, and cover half your face with your stupid hair-”

“-watch it-”

“So a woman expects a reserved, well-mannered, cultured man who is smooth but not overbearing. When you come at her with hearts and declarations of eternal love, she rightly freaks the fuck out.”

“But I want her to know how special and beautiful she is-”

“I’m getting to that, just shut up. Now considering all that, you should try to lure a dominant woman. That’ll fit best with the sophisticated and aloof demeanor that women will inherently label you with, regardless of whether or not it’s true.”

“You are just the absolute worst with pep talks.”

“Shut it. Now dominant women already possess a certain level of confidence in their own beauty and capability; it’s what enables them to go after the men. So when a dominant comes to you, she’s already interested, now she just has to convince you. This kind of woman reaffirms her own merits by convincing you to be interested in her, because she got **you** to agree to **her** whims. Got it?”

“Sounds like I’m taking advantage of her.”

“You’re not. She comes to you. She thinks she’s picking you up, but she doesn’t know you want her from the beginning. So, all you have to do is simply let her think she’s in control. I mean, you don’t really care if she picking you up right?”

“If she’s happy, then that’s all that really matters.”

“That works in your favor. A lot of guys can’t let a woman pick them up. So that should be less competition for you with dominant women.”

“Alright, so how long do I have to sit here before she comes to me?” Sanji asked, though he had several doubts that such a stupid --yet strangely logical-- plan could work that easily.

“Oh, you won’t pick her up here. It’s not your environment.”

“My environment? The only one with an _environment_ is you, Marimo.”

“You’re testing the limits of my generosity, Curlicue.” Zoro warned, halting his explanation to drink. “And yes, environment. You think a guy in a three piece suit looks normal here? Remember, you have to make the girl comfortable. So, go to a scotch bar. You’ll fit in better there.”

“A scotch bar?”

“Yeah, one of those classy, expensive places with background music and shit. Go to that kind of bar, and there should be plenty of dominants. Go there, get a drink --like scotch on rocks or a whisky-sours; don’t get wine though, that looks stupid. Sit to the side of the bar, so that she can see your profile instead of your back. Smoke a little, but do it slowly and not too frequently. Drink slowly too. Look casual and contemplative. Maybe scan the bar once, as soon as you get your drink, but pretend like you aren’t looking for anyone in particular. If a woman approaches you, don’t look at her until she speaks. It’s important to let her think it’s a chase. After she speaks, then you can look at her. Maybe give a relaxed one over, and if you do that, smile just a little. Not big enough to show your teeth, that’s too eager, but enough to make her think you’re physically interested. Always stay reserved. You can buy her a drink, you can brush your hand to her hand or her arm, but don’t make any more moves than that. She has to lead the chase. She has to convince you.” Zoro sat back, relaxing in the booth. “Just act as cool as you like to think you are, and you should be fine. Got it?”

Sanji frowned disbelievingly. “And you’re sure she’ll know I’m interested?”

“Just give her your attention. Not all of it, but most of it. She’ll make the big move…as long as you don’t screw up, you’ll be fine.” Zoro set his mug down and stood up. “I got ship watch, so I’ll be heading back. Good luck, or whatever.”

Sanji sat at the booth, sipping at his bitter beer contemplatively. While the idea of treating women even figuratively like an enemy was nauseating, there was a certain logic to the idiot Marimo’s suggestion. It was just too hard to believe that a woman could want _him_ so much. Sure there was the occasional woman he could charm and convince, but never one that was interested enough to make the first move. _Perhaps it’s worth a shot_ , Sanji thought, draining his mug and leaving the bar.

* * *

His morning walk back to the ship the next day was clouded in a haze of dreamlike bliss and sultry memories. Even with his own eyes open, he could see her dark brown eyes half-open in a lustful gaze. Despite all his clothing, he could still feel her warm, smooth thighs wrapped around his waist, tightening in harmony with her pleasured moans. And through the heavily spiced air of the marketplace he passed through, he could still smell the sweet pheromones and the salty sweat and her natural scent, a heavier aroma that reminded him faintly of cinnamon. Everything he heard or saw or smelt was that gorgeous woman. That stunning, _experienced_ woman who was all too keen to go again and again.

His relaxed smile remained throughout his morning walk and didn’t diminish when he first stepped onto the Sunny. Not even his boundless stomach of a captain with his rapid demands of meat could wipe the grin off his face. He stepped into the galley and after making some coffee for Robin and Nami --who sat at the dining room table with their respective work in front of them-- set to making breakfast. He was a bit lethargic after last night, so he stuck with an easy preparation of omelets and fruit salad.

As the others came in and dined with the usual noise and chaos, Sanji remained off to the side, indulging in his memories one last time before shifting his full focus on lunch planning and preparations. As a first rate chef he really couldn’t pass off such simple meals twice in a row. Though there was one more thing to take care of before he could properly move on with his day, a little acknowledgement --as it were. So after breakfast was finished and the dishes were washed, Sanji headed for the liquor cabinet. Granted it was still a little too early in the morning and he didn’t want to encourage the idiot’s poor habits, but maybe just this once...maybe the Marimo deserved a little thank-you.

He opened the cabin and the smile slipped away to make room for the puzzled frown. The liquor cabinet…it looked…wrong. He could have sworn there were more bottles the other night, when he’d made an early dinner for the crew before hitting the town. Sanji thought back, mentally counting the liquor bottles. Yes. He was definitely missing several bottles. Maybe as much as four. But what had happened? This was their first night docked on the island, so everyone had gone to spend their night at port, grateful for the chance to stretch their legs. No one was here last night, save the ship’s watch…which was Zoro…who was alone on the ship…because he was out having one of the best nights of his life…which --admittedly-- only happened because….

“God fucking dammit!”

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think it's much of stretch to believe that Zoro to view courtship as simply another form of combat. And I definitely don't think it's much of a stretch to believe that Zoro only gave the advice so he could have a cupboard of booze to himself for the night.


End file.
